Well .. it is Tuesday and on Saturday I will be doing my first Freedive Competition.
This comp is doing lengths underwater and statics, not depth , But oh my goodness, I have the jitter's already, I need to be doing more training, but the last 2 day's i have seem to run out of time!
Anyways this may be the only time i can do a comp, who know's what is going to happen to me , what will I be like soon? how will I feel? can I breath properly? will I be able to walk to the end of the driveway with out gasping for air?, I honestly do not know, do you know ??? if you do , please let me know, any heads up will be wicked thank you!
So this Freedive thing , how did it start , like.. why the hell would someone want to push their body and mind to find out how far one can go or how deep one can go or how long one can hold their breath. Its freaken crazy, it is, But try it and you will find out how addictive this amazing sport is. For one, it is soooooo peaceful,and realxing. it strengthens your mind, it teach's us to use our lung's and in turn make's us feel better.
This is my little part of the world where I can escape and have nothing on my mind, (well if I do have something on my mind, I will need to breathe, and 2 metres below the surface, thats not something you want to do in a hurry) lol
So , how do i feel,?
I feel good at the moment. I honestly do , my lungs feel normal , so I suppose that is good. I have 10000000000000 thing's running around in my head and sometimes I do not know what way is up, or down. I feel on good day's that there is totally nothing wrong with me and I feel so so good, and feel guilty alot for the people that have helped me and I hope they do not think that I am taking them for a ride, I honestly am not taking people for a ride, hell no!
A lot goes through my mind about all this cancer shit, I freaken hate it, I really do. We all know someone, or a friend knew someone that had died from cancer. I have known 2 people that have died from cancer, One was lung cancer {from smoking}, when I was about 12 or 13,
Then about 2 years ago my Grandfather died from Melanoma lesions on his brain, And like any other person, I said it will never happen to me , I'm superman I have bet this before , I will kick it's butt again. Grrr me tough, big and strong, 6Ft tall and bloody bulletproof ... I AM MAN
Well blow me down and call me a whimp, I am scared, Honestly I am, yep big old me , is shit scared, yep , put me in front of our rugby team , the NZ blacks , or all blacks, whatever they are called, and I will take them on, No Fear, but those few words , "there is nothing we can do for you" , far out man, thats hit home. Dam, big time I tell ya.
So I'm scared, people say I'm brave, doing all this stuff and trying to spreed the word about how deadly melanoma is, how sneaky it is,but honestly , I'm scared, I do not want to leave people behind, I really really do not want to leave Bronywn, I promised bronwyn that I wanted her to die first, so I could go through the heart ache of loosing her, not her having to go through the heartache of her loosing me. This is so so not fair, if I only could change things! Was it my first operation that went wrong, if he cut more diameter around that bloody mole would I not have this? If I did not get lost in the system, would i not have this? so much is going through my head. and yep, sometime's, I just wish there was a drain plug in my head, just so I can empty that crap in there.
Hey .. sorry this a sad and deep read, but this blog is for all to know what goes on in the life of someone who has , what I have, {Damn i need a drink . lol}
Thanks for reading, I promise the next one will be more exciting
Just remember, on comp day, that when you go down to the pool on a 'bad day' everything melts away, its just you and the water. Trade the nerves for that feeling you get as you enter the water and glide your way to the other end.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling us how scared you are, we will all be there with you, every step of the way
Watching yr blog from England, good luck with the experiences, mate.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and congratulations on meeting another goal. I couldn't find an email on here for you, so contact me if you'd like to do a story for a magazine (and get paid for it). My brother had melanoma at 17, thankfully okay now but traumatic at the time, and I am classed as 'high-risk'. Have had several moles removed, but just in time, but I think Aussie doctors are more proactive. So sorry they didn't catch you in time.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you.
Every day each of us is dying in some way we are all getting closer to leaving this earth and yet the only difference is some of us haven't been given a time frame to allow us to squeeze in as much as possible while still in the body. Enjoy each and every minute and feel how truly rich your life is, you have time to say whatever it is you want and need to say to anyone and everyone you want to. Isn't it a shame that as a younger generation we only expect old people to die and somehow find that comforting that they had a full and happy life but the truth is we all need to live life today as if it may be our last day on earth and in our body. Many people don't get the time or the opportunity to feel complete in many ways, don't get the opportunity to show their love or say those things that they have been meaning to say ... God Bless you on your journey and thanks for sharing your deepest and inner most feelings with us all. We are all angels with only one wing and need to learn to embrace each other to fly. Love to you. Fiona
ReplyDeleteMrsDesperate , i would like to talk to you more about what you offered, if possible could you do a comment with some form of contacting you , and i will not post that ,
ReplyDeleteThank you so so much to all the lovely people out there with there kind words and loving thoughts
just found your story - I'm a freediver in the UK and think you're blimin' amazing. I hope you enjoy the freediving, don't let the comp nerves and stress get more important to you than the peace and joy it can bring - and for as long as possible, remember Dory from finding Nemo's mantra "just keep swimming". Sam x
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